Black Christmas (2019)
Directed by Sophia Takal
Hooray for remakes! Hooray for remakes of classic slasher movies! Hooray for second remakes of classic slasher movies! I’m sure that’s what everyone was saying right? I mean otherwise why even make this? This was definitely a necessary remake if you ask me, Black Christmas was SCREAMING for a second remake. So thank god that they made this movie.
What do you do when you have an underappreciated movie that is heavily influential in the genre? Well you remake that shit twice, duh! The first time you add a bunch of unnecessary garbage about incest and skin cutout cookies. What do you do the second time? If you think mangling it and making it overly feministic, then you’re right. Since all men are sex crazed rapists that want to push women down and return to the days where those dumb broads can’t vote or leave the kitchen, it’s obvious that you take a classic slasher movie and preach that men are horrible. Also, it helps too if you take a story about a psychopath living in a sorority house and killing women, then change it to a group of frat boys that belong to supernatural cult intent on making women subordinate! I mean what did this simple story need more than black magic? How about a complete lack of suspense and terrible dialogue? Hell, now we’re cooking! I have always wanted to see men shown as the pigs they are, every single one of them! Your dad? Evil! Your grandpa? EVIL! Me? Of course, just a date rapist. I mean aren’t all men? Even the guys that want to protect the women in their lives, they have to die because they’re sexist. Hold a door for a woman? How dare you?!
The acting in this movie is more wooden than Pinocchio’s dick. Not one of the characters is likeable. All the girls come off as annoying and self-involved. Kris is by far the most annoying of the bunch. Feminism is one thing, hell I have two little girls and I believe in equality, but at the same time I also believe in traditional values. Men are suppose to treat women kindly. Holding the door for a woman is a sign of respect not an attempt to make women feel helpless. The character of Kris corrects people referring to her and her friends as “girls” by instantly yelling “women!” Not only once, but like three times that happens in this movie. Maybe I’m not the audience for this movie, but if someone who loves horror and especially slasher movies isn’t the audience, then who the hell is? I really wish I didn’t waste an hour and a half on this horseshit. I honestly cannot think of any redeeming parts of this movie, except maybe Cary Elwes as the professor, he was decent. If you’re looking for a feminist slasher movie, look to something like Slumber Party Massacre. It takes a jab at the slasher genre by making the characters super ditsy and cookie cutter. Thus, playing into the stereotypes the movies present. That approach was much more entertaining and clever. This movie is so far the opposite that it becomes a joke in itself.
Want a fun holiday slasher? Look towards something like Black Christmas 1974, Silent Night Deadly Night, Christmas Evil, To All A Goodnight, hell pretty much any Christmas slasher in existence before you watch this. Even the 2006 remake was better, and I hated that shit. If you have read my reviews before, you likely know my extreme hatred for the 2010 A Nightmare on Elm Street remake. I have considered that the worst slasher remake I have ever seen, but this one really rivals it. At least Nightmare attempted to stay true to the essence of the original. Black Christmas loosely takes the story and manipulates it into a commentary on society, and a bad one at that. I can’t give this movie anything higher than an F, it is trash DO NOT WATCH THIS.
“The acting in this movie is more wooden than Pinocchio’s dick.”
Holy shit I laughed so hard at that line. Very good post, I hated this movie. It was so pandering that I wanted to puke.