Memorial Valley Massacre (1989) Directed by Robert C. Hughes
After Halloween came out, it seemed that there was a slasher movie for every holiday. Some were good: My Bloody Valentine. Others were bad: New Years Evil. Memorial Valley massacre is set during Memorial Day, yeah for some reason it needed a slasher movie, because why not? When you have seen as many 80s slashers as I have, you really have to search to find some that you haven’t seen. Lucky for me, or unlucky maybe, this was on Amazon Prime so I decided to take advantage and watch it. It has been awhile since I have even watched a horror movie, let alone wrote a review. The last movie I watched was Sinister 2, and I nodded off a handful of times, whilst drunk. The movie was so lackluster and uneventful that there was no need to write a review on it. If something is going to be bad, at least be corny and funny, then I can have something to talk about! Anyway, for the 3 people that probably read my blog, here you go! I’ll dive into Memorial Valley Massacre aka Jon Bon Caveman Kills Guys with Terrible Haircuts and Braless Women!
Movie opens up with a group of people lined up at a new camp ground in Memorial Valley USA, yeah no state is given from what I remember. They’re pissed because the road is blocked off. The owner walks up and talks to the Park Ranger George. He explains there is no water and the roads aren’t fully finished. Allen the owner tells him to open up anyway since it is suppose to be the opening weekend, so George obliges. They go to the well and pull up a rope with a dead German Shepherd attached, pretty damn gross actually. Allen tells them to open the park anyway even without water. A whole assload of people drive up to the park and Allen’s son stays back to help run the park, his name is David. David claims he graduated from Dartmouth and is a Naturalist major. Is that a real thing? George and David explain to the campers that since there isn’t water, then there obviously aren’t any bathrooms. This causes a huge group to leave and only 20 or so stay there. After this scene we get a look of all the campers that decided to stay setting up their camps. It was at this moment where I realized that the music for the movie was going to blow. I think it may be some of the worst music I have heard in a slasher movie, just late 80s royalty free garbage, some of which doesn’t even fit what is going on in the scenes. During the scenes we see some guy chop down a small tree, why? I guess for fire wood? Any campground I have ever been too would most likely lose it’s shit if you chopped down one of their trees for shits and gigs. Also being from Michigan and having plenty of bonfires, a live tree that was freshly chopped down isn’t going to burn, like at all. That bitch is just going to smoke like crazy and stink to high hell.
George and David go into the storage shed to get shovels to dig holes for outhouses. George pops a window back into place in the shed but doesn’t bother to look around and see if anyone is in there. The two leave and we get a glimpse of the killer hiding behind the door. Yes this movie has been going for maybe 10 mins and we already get to see the killer, wonderful. I can only describe the killer as a caveman outcast from the band Manowar with nasty teeth and big Jon Bon Jovi hair. Some dude’s Doberman runs into the shed and Jon Bon Caveman murders it, he’s killed two dogs now, nice. David takes time to mack on a babe named Cheryl setting up her tent, complete with white shirt and no bra, why? Why not I suppose! She turns him down and he goes off to dig holes with George. We get to see a group of bikers consisting of Eddie, whom looks like Huey Lewis in a cut off shirt, burly bearded Leon, a black couple that I never remember them having names, and two other women, one named Emily, she is Leon’s girlfriend. I know usually in 80s movies, bikers are supposed to be cool but these guys are totally lame and terrible actors. The black guy that wasn’t even fortunate enough to get named is probably the best actor of the bunch. Note to reader, none of these women are wearing bras, I’m noticing a trend here…
While digging the holes for the outhouses, George and David talk for a bit until a couple comes running up screaming about snakes in their food. They go to the campsite and find their food covered in poisonous snakes. George and David dispose of the snakes, whom do they blame? Those damn kids of course! David tells George he took a course called Advanced Intermediate Snake Handling. Ok there is so much wrong with that, that I’m not even getting into it, you guys figure it out! Next we see two teenagers and girl. Their names are Rick, Tom and Wendy. Rick has some badass Duran Duran hair and Tom looks like Steve Sanders from Beverly Hills 90210. Wendy is decent looking, and guess what? She isn’t wearing a bra! Yet another free hanging lady in this movie, not that I’m complaining she does have a nice pair of funbags. An old couple comes up asking the group if they have seen their son Walter. The two guys basically just mock the old couple and insult them. The old man complains about the music being too loud, because why not? He is old and this is an 80s movie. Rick replies with “What don’t you like speed metal?!”
George and David warm up to each other a little more and plan to have a party for the campers that night. I started realizing that George has an odd vocal pattern, kind of like Ted Knight. If you don’t know who Ted Knight is, he is Judge Smails from Caddyshack. How bout a Fresca?! Huh? Huh? Alright, this movie makes me want to watch Caddyshack now, which is far better. Then we get a look at Caveman as he frees a rabbit from a snare then he goes in his…umm cave and sits by a fire while eating berries and holding a mouse. So he kills dogs but spares mice and rabbits? Interesting…I guess. Walter gets yelled at for trying to ride his 3Wheeler around, since its illegal I guess. David and George take his keys away. Walter later breaks into George’s office and takes his keys back, and steals George’s pocket watch. Why it wasn’t in his pocket like it was earlier, I have no clue.
Of course Walter jumps on his 3Wheeler and tears off into the woods. George goes and talks to a retired military man General Mintz and his wife Pepper. Yes, Pepper Mintz, she goes on to explain how it’s a nickname, hilarious! Walter is shown again riding his 3Wheeler, or I guess it is suppose to be Walter, but it is someone else wearing flesh colored tights with shorts over top. The Caveman loses his shit and trips the atv with a rope, causing the real Walter to fly off. Caveman beats the 3Wheeler with a club and Walter yells. The Caveman comes towards Walter grabbing at his face and Walter pulls out a knife and cuts him. This causes the Caveman to break Walter’s neck. He grabs the watch from Walter’s pocket and screams when it plays music.
Later we see the party where mom butts and terrible music are thick in the air. The rain starts coming down heavy and everyone goes into the tent. George wanders off and Deke explains to David that he is looking for his son that was kidnapped in the area over twenty years ago. Apparently he does that all the time. Wendy goes out in the rain and starts dancing around, her light pink shirt gets soaked and we see some TITTAYS (thanks Johnny Krueg!). Someone says “its so cold” which is obvious because Wendy his full nip blasting through her shirt. The group decides to go to their tents and David helps Cheryl back to hers. I soon realized that Cheryl is a horrid actor, she’s so wooden but she’s pretty damn gorgeous so that is why she is in this movie. Hell David is a pretty terrible actor, shit who am I kidding everyone sucks. David gets her to her campsite and she invites him in. One thing leads to another and they get naked and cover up with towels, David explains that they have to share body heat to survive or something. He mentions the body is 98.6 degrees, and she says, “98.6, bowling point”. No you dumb broad 212 is the bowling point, of water at least! Of course after that crap they bang while Caveman spies on them from the brush, probably jerking it.
Steve Sanders and Duran Duran try to get into the tent but Wendy has a knot in her panties or something and tells them to sleep in the car. She finally lets them in and her nipples are still cutting glass. Duran Duran hears a sound, it ends up being a bear and they scream. The bear runs off and they see Walter’s corpse. Of course George and David think the bear did it. David doesn’t quite believe the bear killed Walter, but they should definitely call the cops. George refuses and says he’ll take care of it, SMART! Somehow the cops show up anyway, or at least some dudes with badges. The guy with the badge said that no one will be able to make it out to the campsite for a day or so, and if it keeps raining the roads might wash out. So how did he make it there? Also, isn’t he a cop?! I have no clue what the hell is going on! George tells the campers that the bear killed Walter and assembles a hunt team. So you guessed it, George gives random campers rifles. Eddie and Leon decide to hunt the bear too with a small pistol, because that could kill a Grizzly! Steve Sanders, Duran Duran, and Wendy go with David, George, and Deke out in the woods. Steve and Duran are complete morons acting like kids playing with toy guns. Duran suddenly gets strung up in a snare and they cut him down. George blames it on poachers, David questions that since they didn’t use rope they used vine. Eddie and Leon now are in the cave where the fire is still burning and they find a skeleton with a newspaper clipping about George’s son.
The Caveman returns and buries and Axe into Eddie’s chest, thus killing him. Leon runs out of the cave and the Caveman chases him. Leon ends up falling into a pit of spikes like Mortal Kombat and dies. The hunt team finds Eddie’s corpse and they take him off on a stretcher. I love how the fire still burns in the cave but there isn’t any smoke to be found. George sends Duran back to camp to tell the others but he gets lost and falls into the same spike bed after getting speared by the Caveman. The Caveman gets to the camp and goes into George’s office. He sees the family picture of George, his wife, and his son, which causes him to freak out and then destroys the jeep by ripping cables and wires out of it. He grunts and growls and it confuses me, if he is George’s son, and he was kidnapped at the age of 8 or so, at least that’s what the picture made me think. Then why couldn’t he talk or realize that was his dad and he should just sit there and wait for him to return? Whatever it doesn’t make sense, like most of this movie.
The group finds Duran dead and Steve freaks out, rightfully so Duran was his best friend. Steve goes to look for Wendy, but he stops to tell Mintz to go to camp with the others, he refuses. Steve then sees Caveman cutting the gas line to Mintz’s RV and he kills Steve. Mintz then flicks his lighter and his RV explodes. Wendy, still blasting nips is in the tent when a hand comes in through a hole and she blindly shoots hit, its Steve and now he’s for sure dead. The Caveman grabs her and pulls her out of the tent and starts groping her, because she has rockin’ tits, so he might as well. She pleads to him not to hurt her, and he bear hugs her and breaks her back. Andre the Giant would be proud Jon Bon Caveman! Emily wanders off from the group for some fuckin reason. George is shitfaced now but they still let him keep his rifle, because they’re smart. Emily gets pulled up a tree by her massive Paul Stanley hair. Deke goes and fills up his truck and the Caveman sets him on fire. Deke runs back to the group screaming set ablaze. Deke dies and the Caveman turns on a bulldozer that I haven’t seen the entire movie and it wrecks everything. They see the caveman hiding in the brush and David shoots at him but George pushes the gun away, saying “not like this.” David and Cheryl are the only ones alive? I guess? I never saw the black guy and his girlfriend die, or Eddie’s girlfriend for that matter. David and Cheryl leave to get the cops, smart should’ve been done forever ago. George stays back to find the Caveman.
While George chases after the Caveman it is suddenly daylight. When the bulldozer wrecked the office, Eddie’s girlfriend mentions that it is 1am. Now ten minutes later George is chasing the Caveman in daylight, brilliant! Either it was a really long like 4 hour chase or this movie doesn’t give a shit! George sets off all the Caveman’s traps and finally gets him cornered. George talks to him and says he thinks he is his son, and asks him to give him a sign. The Caveman produces George’s watch and George is elated. He walks towards the Caveman and he triggers a big branch with spikes alla Rambo and it impales George. The Caveman walks up to George and screams in sadness. At the end the cops finally show up and show David & Cheryl George’s body, they confirm it is him and the cop says “We’ll find the man that did this!” David replies “no you won’t, no one will. He has been out there too long and if George couldn’t find him for all these years, no one will!” So the cop nods, and they don’t look for him. The camera shows a shot of the Caveman standing on top of a hill, run credits.
Ok, this movie…um yeah it isn’t completely horrible. The women in the movie were all attractive and all had nice boobs. It was a relatively short movie, at only 1hr 35mins so I didn’t lose much time watching it.. The rest was pretty much bad. The movie had bad acting, bad music, no bare boobs, bad deaths, no likeable characters, and unbelievable casting. Continuity was pretty bad in the movie as well, especially with the night to day transition mentioned earlier and the whole cops can’t come, but I’m kind of a cop but I’m not because George didn’t call crap. The ending? Oh man! Was the ending bullshit! The cop says they’re going to find the murderer, but David says no one will find him, and I guess that was enough for the cop. They don’t even look for him?! He was right at the top of the fuckin hill! Also how many of those people found him earlier? At least 6! How hard would it be to find the guy with a big team of officers? Might take a day tops. Beyond the ending it kept driving me nuts that the Caveman couldn’t talk. It just doesn’t add up, he was in the picture on George’s desk and appeared to be at least 8, he was kidnapped 20 years ago, so he’s now 28 with a 3rd grade education. He could at least form sentences and know enough to recognize his dad! All in all the movie was bad, horrible? No! Great? Not al all! I would give this movie a D+. If you’re looking for a new story and awesome kills, don’t look here, just keep moving. Also if you kill tons of people in the woods and you have been out there for at least 20 years, the cops won’t look for you because its too difficult!
