Iced (1988) Directed by Jeff Kwinty
In the 80s, the slasher movie ruled all. They were relatively cheap to make and turned out a profit, usually. The first batch of slashers in the early 80s were very profitable, then 1984 hit and the market took a shit. The slasher movie slowly started going towards the direct to video market, and of course the quality faded with it. Iced was right in the high point of direct to video slashers. I’ve heard only stories of this movie and I have seen the crazy/dumb ending on youtube thanks to The Hysteria Continues Podcast. The movie is on youtube in its entirety so if you’re interested check this masterpiece (of shit) out. I am doing this review while watching it so if you want to read this while you watch, go ahead.
The movie starts with an odd title screen and a guy on top of a hill in skis. They show a guy taking the skis off a girl, and her boyfriend shows up, or assumed boyfriend. He challenges him to a typical 80s skiing challenge. Right up there with the challenge of Stan Marsh the Darsh. Its been like 5 minutes into this movie and the acting is astounding….ly terrible. So the two guys, Jeff and Cory. Jeff loses and gets all butt hurt over it. He swears vengeance on Cory, of course. They’re fighting over Trina and all her hot 80s glory. Jeff climbs a hill of snow for like five minutes, falling down multiple times and Cory and Trina get it on, you see Trina’s boobs so chalk that up to the genre standard. As the awkward sex scene continues Jeff finally reaches the top of the hill and puts on his goggles. The dubbed over moans continue and this sex scene is basically softcore porn, like really they fuck in a chair during part of it. Jeff flies up over a hill and lands on a big rock, seemingly killing himself, not sure he’d die but hey whatever I’m game.
Skip forward 4 years later and Trina and Cory are driving along in their Range Rover. Here we find out Cory’s last name is McGyver…classic, and now Trina is his wife. Some odd broad is in the backseat that randomly chimes in great lines like “it is beautiful!” The three are on their way up to a ski resort to have a threesome? I don’t know, can Cory pull that shit off? I mean he did just have a softcore plowing scene with Trina. They aren’t sure how they got the invite to the resort, that’s not fishy at all. They’re meeting college friends from the previous scenes up at the resort. Now cut to a dude with an epic 80s stache driving on what looks like the same road listening to some terrible hard rock song (its basically some Quiet Riot ripoff, believe me I know my hairbands) and he ventures on to a road that is closed, but of course he doesn’t see the sign as it is obstructed by snow. Of course he goes right into a snowdrift, I am from Michigan, this guy is obviously not because you have to be a moron to drive off that road, cmon man. Well he gets out to check out the damage and swears a lot. Then a big snow plow drives towards him and its obviously Jeff driving, so yeah he’s not dead. The stache dude falls over and gets flattened by the plow, and you don’t see shit but a blood splatter.
The others show up at the resort and someone is watching them from a window, or just a bad camera angle, who knows. Again I’m typing as I watch. Guess what? They walk into the cabin and no one is there…not suspicious at all. The dumb broad is by far the worst actor. She walks into a room and the camera is hiding in the closet, classic. Then her boyfriend jumps out and molests her. His name is Carl and he has a bitchin rat-tail and Hawaiian shirt. Its obvious he’s the jokester that we will wait impatiently to die. The group is waiting for like 3 more people. I am really bad at remembering names. The dumb broad with the Peggy Bundy haircut is waiting for Eddie, I guess he’s her husband so basically Carl is just some guy that kisses guys’ girlfriends, another reason to hate him. The phone rings and she instantly answers “EDDIE!?” why? It could be anyone in the world but she instantly thinks its Eddie, but its some dude that I think owns the cabin or something but his name is Alex. Now another driving scene, two people guy and girl in a red Jeep. Of course they argue and her hair is poofed up something huge.
They quickly cut away from the couple to Carl and Cory skiing and what seems like flirting. “Hey we are all alone” and Cory lays his head on Carl’s leg in the snow. This is just odd, I’m close with some of my friends that I consider them brothers and I’d never do that shit, hell I have a brother I’m close with and I wouldn’t do that. Whats going on? I don’t know something about being gay. They bitch about Trina, then mention that Jeff “killed himself” I guess falling on a rock is killing yourself now. Carl says something about having a séance, classy bro. Jeff looks on and stabs his ski pole in to the ground and the music gets intense. Next scene shows some doucher typing in an office and has a flashback of Jeff dying, apparently he saw the whole thing. The guy is Alex, and he talks with his secretary or whoever she is. Alex is like the low rent version of Andrew McCarthy, sans living mannequin. The couple from earlier shows up at the cabin, their names are John and Dianne I think. Janette is the annoying broad I’ve mentioned earlier, I’m pretty sure this is the first time they mentioned her name, or at least the first time I noticed. If this was a teen movie from the 80s John would be the bad guy, pretentious blonde guy that looks rich. Its odd because Dianne seems to be with John but she gets excited when Trina mentions Carl, what is going on in this movie?! John finds a newspaper clipping about Jeff’s death in a dresser drawer.
The next scene shows Jeff watching some of the group exit the cabin to explore and I have to mention that the camera shot is always shown through a pair of goggles with broken glass, its kind of lame to be honest. The group walks through the forest after they find Carl and Cory, whom must be done with their homosexual romp. They go back in the cabin and they forgot to lock the door, smart. Someone gets offered coffee and he replies “I’m a Vitamin C-aholic” wow just wow. Meanwhile, Carl is in the bathroom butt ass naked snorting coke, hey it’s the 80s after all! Janette is complaining about Eddie, while Carl continues to chop up a line in the bathroom, and his finger. Suddenly Carl wakes up from a nightmare of dead people, it was so fast I’m not sure who he was dreaming about. Carl not only has a bag full of drugs, he has a gun, great mix! We find out that Carl is either paranoid or in trouble. Carl tips up the tall mirror and makes a monster line on it that Tony Montana would be proud of.
The group sits down for a meal and they share stories. John tells a story about going to a drive in movie and it was “you know one of those movies where people only look when someone is naked or getting killed” so basically this movie…yeah. This sequence is awkward since Carl is coked out of his mind and the others tell these bizarre stories that really don’t make sense, something about Trina’s tits or lack there of. Insert stock footage of skiers, then jump to another sex scene and Carl sitting in a bath tub. The two continue to bang in a bathtub, there’s no real reason for this it seems, when its cut short by Carl answering a phone. Now for some reason they show Carl shaving and Janette in lingerie staring into the mirror. Man this scene goes on for a long time, she just stands there in her underwear smoking and drinking wine. Now to Alex entering the house greeted by Janette, whom obviously wants him, I mean who wouldn’t he has a bitchin mullet. They sit down and Alex talks about the resort, apparently his father is the owner. I have to mention that the music cues are really awkward in this movie, music plays for no real reason and the intense music drops in bizarre scenes. Janette asks Alex to stay for a drink, basically throwing her vag at him. The other girls call her out for being a whore and I guess they agree to help her? Yeah I don’t get it either. Now time for the cliché lying by the fireplace scene with Alex and Janette, where he talks about how rich he is. Then the clip of the couple banging in the bathtub shows up again, now that I see it, it looks like Janette and Alex, odd. They make out of course, we all saw it coming, they zoom out and show that the two are making out in front of everyone. Janette gets a phone call and is distraught. The caller says that he’s Eddie and he’s there with Jeff. Alex knows who Jeff is, said that Jeff’s name was on the list of people attending the chalet. So now we know that Jeff isn’t dead, and everyone yells at Alex saying he invited a dead guy, whom accepted. Alex awkwardly explains what happened and leaves. They blame Carl of making a terrible joke about Jeff, of course he didn’t but he’s a dick so why not. John presents the clipping about Jeff’s death. Now they blame Eddie for the “prank” what a good one, a real knee slapper.
They still talk about Jeff and Dianne says that she was supposed to be responsible for Jeff and that Jeff’s family blames her for his death. John puts Dianne to bed and packs up the car to leave I guess. It looks like someone put a fog machine into the room, its incredibly hazy. Wow I’m shocked, the car starts, that never happens, but hey Jeff is in the back seat and he stabs John through the neck with a ski pole. Dianne gets into the Jeep and screams after seeing John. Jeff chases her, and grabs an icicle. Jeff lifts Dianne up by the throat and stabs her, of course we don’t see it. They cut away at the last second to show Carl using an ice pick to break up some cubes for his drink. I hate when you don’t see the kills, its so damn cheap. Hang in there people, only 20 mins left. In typical slasher form, Dianne screams but Janette and Carl don’t hear it, Carl basically molests her again cuz he’s a prick. Jeff sets up bear traps in the woods, somehow it went from midnight to dusk in like five seconds. Now back to the cabin where Janette strips down, and its midnight again, classic continuity errors, love them. Jeff walks up the stairs of the cabin, while Janette goes into the hot tub naked. Janette is annoying but she’s pretty hot so it’s ok. Jeff sneaks up, probably to get a peek of those tits. Jeff walks up to her, and throws in a radio, thus frying the shit out of her, while she writhes around naked.
With all the noise going around Carl is somehow just waking up, and grabs his pistol from his boot. He looks outside and sees Jeff swinging a lantern. Jeff drops the lantern and runs off. Carl goes out side to find the lantern just sitting in the snow. He walks out into the woods and of course steps in both bear traps, shoots his gun a couple times and falls down. Cory wakes up and looks for Carl. Meanwhile Carl is lying in the snow bloody as shit from the bear traps. Cory quickly gives up looking for Carl and eats a slice of pie. Jeff comes out of nowhere and stabs Cory in the shoulder with a knife, which kills him? Yeah pretty damn weak, plus the blood looks like that late 70s fake blood like from Dawn of the Dead. Trina wakes up in the morning and notices the power is out, she grabs a flashlight and goes to investigate, smart. She walks outside and finds Janette and her amazing tits dead in the hot tub. She runs back inside and looks for Cory, he is actually alive on the floor with the knife shoved into his shoulder. She runs to get help, grabs her boots and coat but not a pair of pants for some reason. So a shirt, her coat, her cotton undies and her boots, great logic. Now the cliché scene where she finds the other friends dead. She keeps looking for Carl and finds him frozen solid with the bear traps on his ankles. Trina grabs the gun and his car keys. Still she’s been outside for like 5 minutes, at least, with no pants on, yeah she’s hot but she’s dumb. She notices when she returns to the cabin that there are snowy footprints and that Cory is now dead. She walks to the table and finds a business card with Alex’s number on it, so she dials it and Alex answers. She explains she needs help, with no urgent tone at all, he asks her to stay calm, she’s way too calm as is, I mean all her friends and husband are dead. Quick shot to Jeff watching the house, ooooo. Insert the same footage of Jeff’s feet sneaking about in the house. They do quick shots of all the dead members of the group and Jeff grabs Trina. They struggle and fight for a bit then Cory comes to and pulls the knife out of his shoulder. Trina hides upstairs and tries to escape with no pants on, socks and a button up shirt. She pushes a dresser in front of the door and Jeff slowly, I mean molasses slow, walks after her. Alex shows up and explains the police are coming. Cory crawls with the gun in hand after Jeff. Now Jeff breaks into the room with an axe. She drops her pair of scissors and Jeff walks into the room, she quickly grabs the scissors and hides under the bed. Jeff slowly approaches and she stabs him in the shin. It doesn’t seem to have an effect and he gropes the shit out of her, we find out that Jeff isn’t the killer its actually Alex. Alex has a fake leg. He explains that its her fault Jeff died and he lost a leg after falling down a hill when he chased after Jeff. He blames her for his lack of skiing career. Of course Cory slowly crawls up and shoots Alex and he falls out of the window.
Cut to five years later, and Trina and Cory are staring at a snowman with what seems to be their son and daughter. They go to admire the snowman while happy music plays. Trina grabs a piece of coal to make and eye in the snowman, when it starts to bleed. Suddenly Alex jumps out of it, freeze frame and ending. Wow just wow, how long did it take him to build a snowman around himself, without them noticing, is that even possible? Or did he have an accomplice? So many questions about that. Remember when Dwight hid in a snowman to jump Jim and pelt him with snowballs on the Office? Yeah it’s basically the same thing, except not as funny or cool.
Sorry for the long review, it was just fun typing as I watched. Iced isn’t the worst slasher movie I’ve ever seen, but it isn’t the best either. I like that it takes place in the winter, you never see many slashers like that. The contrast of the blood in the snow is always a striking visual. The movie has terrible acting and dialogue; I mean it is expected for a straight to video slasher. The sex scenes are some of the more graphic I have ever seen in a non-porn movie. The camera angles are bizarre and the POV shots through the broken goggles is odd, seeing that they’re broke when it’s the camera and only one layer is broken when they show Jeff/Alex head on. The kills aren’t anything great, they cut away in most of them and that’s always a cop out I feel. Whether it was done to keep an R rating or due to lack of talent by the visual effects artist, I’m not sure. While the ending is original, it is completely absurd. Like I said, how did he get into a snowman? Did he build it? If so Alex is extremely talented or had a helper. Also, how long did he have to stay in that snowman and wait for her to put an eye on it? How did he survive? They never showed him escape, and they never showed Trina and Cory leave. It seems rushed honestly, they could’ve spent a little time and explained what happened after Alex fell out of the window. Maybe I’m asking too much? All in all it’s not bad, some of the bad lines are pretty damn funny. You get to see some good-looking 80s girls naked so give it a watch. If you love the genre you wont hate this movie. I give this a solid B-, not good but far from crap, it is almost charming in a way.
